Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
