I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
