I wish I could teleport
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My life is pants optional.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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