I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
