A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
