Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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