but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize