Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
