I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
