Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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