tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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