This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
