i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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