I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
