I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
