I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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