Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
