i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize