after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
