I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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