His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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