i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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