Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
