Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
