I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
