They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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