I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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