my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just pee around me
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
