I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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