Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
