Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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