i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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