if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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