i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
