hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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