How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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