i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
