i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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