her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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