Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Damn victory sex feels great
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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