I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
