Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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