All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
