so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
