If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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