Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
