woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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