I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
