Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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