***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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