Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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