normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
