she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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