My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
