Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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