When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize