I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
