Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
