I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
