When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
