I could make wine with my vomit
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
